Relena and Heero's Date
by Yaoi Mistress Little Washu
Summary: Heero agrees to go out on a date with Relena, but why? Slash. DuoHeero. Relena bashing. And is Wufei an action transvestite, or an executive transvestite?


Relena and Heero's Date  
  
Author: Yaoi Mistress Little Washu  
  
Story: Relena and Heero's Date  
  
Notes: Some OOCness (especially with Wufei) some sap, and Relena bashing  
  
Pairings: 1x2, 3x4  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own either Gundam Wing or Eddie Izzard or any of his routine. If I did I would be in Hawaii with a v.naked Duo while Eddie Izzard was telling me jokes and Wufei was staring at cabana boys.  
  
"I'll go out with you Relena." Heero said. He was standing next to Relena Peacecraft, the biggest prat in all the colonies, as she asked him out on a date for the hundreth time. She had followed him to his house, in that oh so creepy stalker way she had, and was accosting him by his front door.  
  
"If you go out with me, you won't regret it Heero." she said, batting her eyelashes. She thought the action made her look hot and sultry, but it instead made her look like she had a half starved weasel roaming in her skivvies. She probably did. "So, what do you say?"  
  
"I said yes Relena." Heero said, putting the key in his front door.   
  
"What?" Relena asked. She gave Heero an incredulous look, as if he had just announced he was preggers with Wufei's baby.  
  
"I said yes." The door opened as someone from inside strode foreward, plastic garbage bag in hand. Heero tumbled forehead as the object he was leaning on, the door, slid under his grasping hand. He threw his arms out to catch his balance as his left palm fell smack dab on Duo's crotch.  
  
Duo's eyes widened in surprise. "I missed you too Hee-chan." He took a step back and allowed Heero to fall to the floor, crimson faced. "Not in front of the children." He tilted his head at Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei who were sitting on the couch, blood gushing out of their noses.  
  
Heero quickly jumped off the floor and rapidly wiped his hands off on his pants. He scooped the key off the floor and turned to Relena, whose left eye was twitching so wildly Duo wondered what the weasel in her skivvies was doing.  
  
"I'll pick you up at 1900 hours." Heero said. He rushed into the house, shutting the door behind, leaving a twitchy Relena on the porch.  
  
"Oh Pooky!" Relena exclaimed, pulling a teddy bear out of her hot pink purse. "I'm so happy! I finally have my Heero. I'll get him to sell that nasty Gundam, and quit wearing that spandex, and get a real job! I think he'd make a good used car salesman, don't you Pooky?"  
  
Pooky of course just sat there, being a fucking inanimate object. Relena pulled out her pink cell phone and dialed the number to her limo driver.  
  
"I'm at HIS house, pick me up." She flipped the phone closed, setting it in her purse, and 10 seconds later a hot pink limo tore around the corner and skidded to a halt in front of her. The car door opened and a long pink carpet unrolled up to her. "To the house." The carpet rolled up under the car and it sped away.  
  
Duo stood in front of the window, giving Relena's pink monstrosity the finger. He turned to Heero and arched an eyebrow. "So what was that all about?"  
  
"I have a date." Heero said.  
  
Quatre, who had been on the couch eating popcorn, was now choking. Trowa patted him on the back until he was better, and then a little more after that. ^.~  
  
"You're going on a date with that witch?" Duo snarled.  
  
"Hn." Heero snorted. "I'm taking her to dinner."  
  
"Dinner? I can't even breath with that foul stench in the room, let alone eat. You're crazy."  
  
"That doesn't matter." Heero said. "Now go to bed." Heero turned and went to his room. As he left a paper fell out of his pocket, and Duo picked it up. As he read it he began to laugh wildly and stuffed the paper in his back pocket. He giggled all the way to his bedroom, as he changed into his chibi Deathscythe pjs, and was still giggling as he went to sleep.  
  
"I don't even went to know." Wufei said.  
  
The Next Morning  
  
"I've got to get ready for my big date Pooky." Relena said. She primped in front of the mirror, with Pooky sitting in his special chair next to the pink framed mirror.  
  
Relena squeezed into her hot pink dress and examined herself in the mirror. "Oops, almost forgot." She grabbed some Kleenex from the dresser and shoved it down the front of her dress. She took a couple of minutes nancing around in front of the mirror before grabbing her purse and laying "Pooky" in it. She cackled maniacally while sliding on her pink pumps and sat in front of the door, waiting for Heero.  
  
Heero stood in front of the mirror. "Hn." He straightened his spandex and checked his gun. "Hn." He walked to his motorcycle and got on, putting his helmet on and headed off towards his doom, ehem, I mean Relena's house.  
  
Relena jumped up and clasped her hands together. "Oh Pooky, it's Heero. I'd recognize that motorcycle anywhere. I should, I've followed it often enough."  
  
Heero rang the doorbell and a resounding "omae o korosu" rang out. Relena answered the door and Heero was slightly blinded by the glare off her greased up hair.  
  
"Heero!" Relena screeched. She gave a disgusted look at his outfit. "We can, um, eat here. I'll have the butler make something."  
  
"Hn." Heero brushed ppast Relena and walked into the house. Relena gave a weasel in her knickers look and closed the door. She pressed the intercom button next to her.  
  
"I need chicken wings, nachos, and Pepsi, now. Put it in the main room."  
  
Relena nanced to the main room and wsa pleased to see the food was set out, and Heero was eating. "Is it good Heero?" she twittered.  
  
"Hn." Heero said, around a mouthful of nachos. In a few minutes all the food was gone.  
  
"And now for dessert." Relena walked over to the table and pulled the lid off a covered dish. Underneath was a pink frosted cake with two tiny figures on top, one of Heero in a tuxedo and the other of Relena in a wedding dress, kissing.  
  
"Cake or death?" Heero asked, pulling his gun out.  
  
"Kill me Heero!" Relena screamed.  
  
"Omae o korosu."  
  
Duo sat on the living room couch, watching Wufei play out Eddie Izzard's "Dress to Kill" skit for the second time this month.  
  
"I'm more of an executive transvestite." Wufei said. He ran around in front of the couch in his 3-inch heels, silk kimono, and pink frosted lipstick with blue eyeshadow and blue nail polish. "There was a guy who lived in a cave in the Bronx, like you do . . ."  
  
Duo watched him, giggling all throught the Pagans, King Henry, and Scooby Doo. When Wufei bowed, Duo started clapping, but was secretly worrying about Heero. He had gone over to Relena's at 7 and it was now 10. Meanwhile Wufei had stripped down to his red thong and was sitting next to him on the couch.  
  
Duo turned as Heero came in and sat down on the couch opposite a thong clad Wufei and Duo. Heero pulled out his gun and began polishing it with a nearby blanket.  
  
"How was your date Heero?" Duo grinned.  
  
"Hn. What are you smiling at?" Heero stopped polishing his gun long enough to glare at Duo.  
  
Duo pulled the note Heero had lost out of his pocket and read it aloud.  
  
Heero  
  
That pseudo queen of Earth Relena Peacecraft is really getting on my nerves. Kill her.  
  
Dr. J  
  
Duo wiped a little blood off Heero's arm. "Good job Hee-chan."  
  
Heero licked his tips and gently kissed Duo. Wufei just sat and bled as Trowa and Quatre "talked" in their room.   
  
And Pooky danced. 


End file.
